Everyone knows that ‘The Football League Show’ is a load of old rubbish.
From Steve Claridge’s unjustified arrogance and Manish Bhasin’s wooden presenting to the misplaced enthusiasm of Lizzie Greenwood-Hughes and Mark Clemmit, it’s a show that frustrates constantly.
But people still watch it, despite its sheer awfulness, because it shows all the goals.
So, how do I propose to make the viewing experience of ‘The Football League Show’ that little less painful?
By introducing a drinking game for the aforementioned show, of course.
It may seem like I’m offering less value for money here – given that the article is just a glorified collection of tweets, made by myself and other bloggers – but such an idea needs to have a compendium.
If you haven’t seen the show before, please watch embedded YouTube clip below.
It should convince you that such a game needs to exist.
The rules are simple.
Just watch the show at ‘a quarter to midnight’ and whenever something that is included in five lists occurs, take a drink.
To prevent liver damage, I recommend that you only follow one of the five lists.
Remember, this is just a bit of fun and this list shouldn’t be taken seriously; it’s satire more than anything.
You’d probably be hospitalised for alcohol positioning, if you actually played this game.
With that over, I shall introduce you to the lists – one for each of the four presenters and one for the show itself.
• Drink a shot whenever someone looks incredibly smug, for supporting a lower-league side, in the opening titles. Also, add another shot if they jump at the same time.
• Drink a shot for every keepy-uppy that is performed in the opening montage. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Drink a rum and coke every time there is an element of bias towards Leeds United and Newcastle United.
• Down two shots every time the commentator mentions that a player has scored against their former club.
• Drink any drink every time past encounters between the two sides, who are included in the highlights, are mentioned.
• Down two shots whenever Lizzie and Manish look like they are flirting, when they meet up at the desk after Manish closes the show.
• Down a shot when Manish gives out a statistic, at the start of the show. Add another shot if this statistic is about the number of goals that have been scored.
• Drink any drink every time Manish says “yeah”, whenever Lizzie or Steve have finished a sentence.
• Down a shot when Manish starts delivering a line, whilst staring into the wrong camera. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Down a glass of wine when Manish makes his annoying interlude in the middle of ‘Match of the Day’. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Also, during this interlude, you may jug an extra bit of wine if Manish says ‘The Football League Show’ is on at a “quarter to midnight”.
• Down any drink, straight-away, whenever Claridge mentions a player that he’s played alongside. (Submitted by ‘Gary Andrews’)
• Down a shot whenever Leroy Rosenior acts as a stand-in for Steve or appears as a co-pundit.
• Down two drinks every time Steve mentions a player he played alongside or against, whilst he was player-manager at Weymouth.
• Down a double vodka, each time Steve looks at his notes. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Double vodkas all round, whenever Steve says a player and/or a club has not had an easy time in the past.
• Down any spirit whenever Steve says a team has “spirit”. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’)
• Drink all of the drinks cabinet every time Steve mentions his managerial career.
• Have a sip of your drink every time Mark mentions the year when a club was formed.
• Down a shot every time Mark exaggerates his words to make it sound like it contains an extra syllable.
• Drink any drink when Mark bounces up to any Football League club manager like a long lost friend (Submitted by ‘Footyphila Plus’)
• Down a shot when Mark utilises the smart jumper and shirt combination. Add another shot, if he also wearing a pair of jeans and add a further one if he is wearing white trainers.
• Drink any drink whenever Mark says a wacky and/or obscure fact, usually relating to the folklore of the club or the town/city.
• Drink any two drinks whenever Mark walks around the stadium’s terrace/stands and add a further drink when he touches a trophy that the club has won.
• Drink any three drinks whenever Mark feigns annoyance at having to schlep off somewhere remote. (Submitted by ‘Narrow the Angle’)
• Drink any drink whenever Lizzie has to read out a bloody awful email saying that “Team X are going up” and/or “Manager X should be sacked”. (Submitted by ‘The Carvalho Peninsula’)
• Down two shots whenever Lizzie fumbles around her papers. Add an extra shot if she also goes ‘erm’, at the same time.
• Drink a cocktail every time Lizzie asks Steve a question that has come from a viewer.
• Down the drink, that you are holding, each time Lizzie reads out a hoax email.
• Down three shots if Lizzie mentions that they’ve had an influx of email from supporters of one particular club.
• Down four shots whenever Jacqui Oatley stands-in for Lizzie.
• Drink a bottle of gin when David Garrido acts as a stand-in replacement for Lizzie. (Submitted by ‘The Reality Rant’).