(Bad) Cover Version #18: ‘Simon Says’ by Peter Simon (1990)

The origin of the cover: Released as a single
Original recording artist: 1910 Fruitgum Company
Grade: F

‘Going Live!’, most likely, is one of the few television programmes where the majority of its regular human cast members released a single.

Phillip Schofield’s ‘Close Every Door’ – a blatant cash-in from ‘Joseph And The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat’ – was the most successful of these releases, reaching Number 27 in November 1992.

‘Jennifer Juniper’ – a charity single for Shelter – by the Singing Corner meets Donovan (AKA comedy duo, Trevor and Simon, and *THE* Donovan) also charted, peaking at Number 68 in November 1990.

Meanwhile, Sarah Greene’s only single, ‘Eeny Meenie’, flopped in 1983. Both of those releases had some interesting ideas, but were nothing more than short-lived curiosities.

And there was also Peter Simon, the presenter of game show segments ‘Double Dare’ and ‘Run The Risk’. Incidentally, Shane Richie, who was Simon’s first co-presenter on ‘Run The Risk’, had a Number 2 hit with ‘I’m Your Man’ in November 2003.

The concept of Peter Simon covering 1910 Fruitgum Company’s ‘Simon Says’ sounds ludicrous enough to work, but it also seems well suited to his affable personality. After all, he manages to make the shopping channel, Bid, look entertaining.

Unfortunately, though, the reality of this cover version leaves an unpleasant taste.

Although it is faithful to the original – with the exception of Simon’s troubled Poochie-esque rap – it still ends up being the musical equivalent of Bombalurina covering a Black Lace song.

The backing track is like a dentist’s drill being inserted into your brain, but it’s Simon’s complete disregard for dignity that is most concerning.

The song’s strong whiff of cheese is excusable, but it also sounds nonsensical and hideously puerile to the extent that it makes Roland Rat Superstar’s ‘Rat Rapping’ sound as deep and meaningful as Bob Dylan’s ‘Blowin’ In The Wind’.

‘Simon Says’ is simply inadequate in every single department.

This is, without a doubt, Peter Simon’s lowest moment. It’s even worse than ‘Star Pets’, which says it all.